I get turned on by giving women money, but now I’m £20k in debt

I will always remember the first time I realised I was into being dominated. I was in secondary school and a girl in my class wanted me to pay for her lunch.

I said no, as I only had enough for myself, and in front of all her friends, she grabbed me by the balls and demanded I hand it over. I liked it.

At 18, I started watching domination porn and researching to see if it was something I could be into. My first time visiting a dominatrix – or ‘domme’ – saw me kicked in the groin, made to suck on her heels and denied orgasm over and over.

I loved it. I would be sore for a few days afterwards, but it was absolutely worth it.

The bit I enjoyed most, however, was handing over the money. It wasn’t until I came across the term ‘financial domination’ – or ‘findom’ – on a domme’s website that I recognised it as my kink.

Soon after, I opened a Twitter account and started serving dommes financially online. This would range from purchasing clips (soundbites of dommes verbally abusing slaves) to buying women items from their Amazon wishlists. The delivery addresses attached to accounts are hidden so I would never know where my purchase was going.

One glamour model once had me continually adding items to my shopping cart until I reached £1,000 – only then could I continue to the checkout. We were on Skype while I shopped for her, and she laughed as I hit purchase and reached climax. It was a very expensive happy ending.

Another woman, who I met on Tinder, had me follow her around a shopping centre carrying her bags while she spent on my credit card. How does anyone spend £1,400 in Topshop?

Later, a particular domme locked me in a chastity cage – a steel device that is fitted around the penis – in my car and kept the key until I had paid her an ‘acceptable’ amount. By the end of the night I was about four grand worse off.

I didn’t want to give her anywhere near that amount but I was completely at the woman’s mercy and the feeling of helplessness turned me on (which is very painful when locked in chastity). I begged for some of it back when she released me and got a swift knee to the balls for even suggesting it.

My favourite findom experience, however, was with my ex-girlfriend.

It was never something we discussed while we were together but we did explore other types of domination – she regularly tied me up for an entire night. So while I thought there might be a chance she would say yes, I was still surprised at how quickly she took to being my financial superior.

What started off with me paying for hair cuts turned into so much more. She once sat on my face in the back of my car and the next thing I know, she’s laughing having just booked a £3,500 two-week trip to Barbados for her and her best friend.

On another occasion she racked up £800 in Victoria’s Secret on underwear and made me kneel at her feet while she showed them off, cackling as she waved the receipt in my face. The thought of it still turns me on.

We no longer speak and she has a boyfriend now, so at least it has gone to good use.

I am now ‘owned’ by another glamour model who lives in the north of the UK. We get together occasionally – although never for anything less than £500 – and I never get anything sexual from it. She told me ‘I should pay to be in her presence,’ and I have to agree. I work full time as a writer and have lots of freelance work on the side – most of my salary goes to her.

To look at me, you would never know that I’m into findom. I live a very normal life with great family and friends. I have had plenty of ‘regular’ relationships, too, with lovely partners. I’ve never struggled with women; the problem is finding one who is comfortable with my kink.

Most people would say findom has changed my life for the worst, and perhaps they’re right.

In the last five years I have gone from having a couple of grand of savings to pushing £20,000 of findom debt. It has massively set me back in my life aspirations and I sometimes do feel low about my financial situation.

I’m 30 now and had once dreamed of having a nice house, but it will be years before I get a mortgage and I struggle to pay rent with all the credit card debt I am trying to pay off.

I’ve thought about having a family but unfortunately I can’t even maintain an erection without someone taking my money. It worries me; Viagra has been a great help but I’m very young to be relying on that.

Yet I have loved serving some of these fantastically dominant women. Respect can develop between a domme and a findom slave – of course, there are some women out there simply out to make a quick few quid but if you find the right goddess, the feeling of making her life richer is wonderful.

Findom is the perfect way to give up control to a woman without walking with a limp for a week, and knowing that women are spending my money and enjoying themselves makes me feel useful.

It’s something many won’t understand but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I’ve seen it growing in popularity and it’s not as taboo as it once was.

I’m proud that I have helped my current owner to purchase two houses, and know that my money helps her live the best life possible. I believe she deserves my cash more than I do. If people could see what she looks like, they would soon see why a loser like me is proud to serve her.

I have learned to live with that financial damage, and embrace it. I’ll be applying for credit cards and loans and then paying them off in a cycle until my owner tells me I no longer have to. I have accepted my fate. I’ll worry about the financial implications when that day arrives.